The Soulfarm dream is coming to life!!! My husband didn't want to build a house. It scared and overwhelmed him... very understandable when the guy hasn't done it before and works full time and has 3 busy kids... But he is married to me, which I know he is grateful for and I had that tug in my heart that I get when I know something is going to happen and I knew we were going to build. I mean, seriously, the guy is a designer, he must create one of the biggest creations! and so here we are!
This house has been a funny metaphor for the stage we are going through both individually and as a couple. We both love beautiful things, but sometimes we feel undeserving or greedy for wanting these beautiful things. Also, we love beautiful things, but not always the same beautiful things. He likes modern and simplicity and minimalism and black.... and I like colour and cozy and farmstyle with a dash of modern thrown in... but did I mention it has to be warm and cozy???!! He would be happy with one chair in the middle of the room and nothing else. Me..not so much. I don't like stuff either, on this we agree. I have been incredibly inspired (while being annoyed, yes it is possible to be both at the same time!) by his need to constantly purge our house of stuff and his nagging to not collect anything more if I don't love it and about those boxes that we've moved twice now that I haven't barely looked in... I know I know!! So we are definitely getting closer, but the coming together of both of these different styles has been interesting.
There are thing that we agree on design-wise. I wanted a main level entry with bedrooms up and open space as a main living area. The main design came together pretty easily. We decided on Scandinavian style modern farmhouse. We have been able to cruise ahead together on this path and not stumble across too many differences, but something we have had to continually come back to is that we are worthy of this beauty.
We both have a bit of an unworthiness issue. We struggle with loving beautiful, well-designed things and feeling like we deserve them. We have this thing which comes from our separate upbringings that maybe its greedy to want something beautiful (and definitely that it is unsafe to take a financial risk). So we have had to come back to center often around, we CAN have this dream, we deserve this dream and all the parts of it and that we CAN be open to the abundance flowing.
It reminds me of the FOOL card in the Tarot. The Fool card is the first card in the Major Arcana. It represents the beginning of the spiritual journey. It symbolizes stepping off the cliff and trusting that the Universe will build the ground under you to support you on your chosen journey. I experienced this adventure once before when I left my safe, responsible job with the government. I had been a social worker for 11 years after graduating from University. I had, in true good-girl fashion, taken a job as a social worker with this good pension and good benefits at 22 and started immediately without taking any time off (because that would have been terribly irresponsible!). After 11 years, I hated my job (well, I hated it much earlier, but was at a breaking point after that long), so I finally got the guts to leave. It was much the same as this, something I knew I had to do because my Soul was screaming at me to do it, but I was terrified.
So here I am again, jumping, leaping off the cliff and going through the cycles of freak out and become calm repeatedly throughout. For me it's like this... I feel that my Soul wants to do something, I freak out for awhile because it seems so big and scary and out of my realm and unnecessary maybe, but after a while of panic, I finally take the leap and then come back to courage over and over throughout the whole process. Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my support people, who cheer me on and offer wisdom along the way. My acupuncturist says that our Soul grabs us by the scruff of the neck and drags us to where we need to be. We can go kicking and screaming or we can go in a rather composed manner (I prefer a roller coaster of one and then the other), but either way, we are going.
I have loved this process of becoming deserving. As I watch my house being built, I see my dream coming to life before my eyes and it is truly humbling. I have said to the Universe, 'How can I serve?'. These are the things I love and would love to have as part of how I serve, but let's do this! Ok, maybe I haven't said it exactly like that, but I just did! I am not usually as surrender-like and trusting as that. Usually it's more like, 'Look, Universe, I love horses and I am good at reading Tarot and teaching yoga and meditation and helping people on their Soul journeys, so please, can we do that? and can I have a nice farm on a nice gulf island and can I love where I live? Ok, cool, then let's do this!'.
So here we are doing it. I am stepping out daily off that cliff again with not just the house and the farm which have been dreams of mine for so long, but the journey to having a horse in my life and dancing with her daily. Read more about that in my next blog!
Hugs to everyone on their journeys. As someone who likes to know where I am going and how I am getting there, this has been a huge lesson in 'trust and have fun and when you get scared, breathe and trust some more and have more fun'! I suggest it, I recommend it as a motto for life and a cure for all ailments! Dive into your heart and find what you love, put it out there, trust and have fun finding it and creating it and have more fun!