I want to learn all there is to know about love.
I want to experience what it feels like to love as an elephant. What does love feel like between horses? What does love feel like between a family of whales, tigers, earth worms? I want to feel the depth of love between humans...
I research Love.
i came to this planet full of love. Like all of us, I was a born a fleshy little ball of love...
I spent many years expressing my outgoing, stage-loving self by singing, dancing, laughing, and loving every animal and person I could find...I was full to the brim with my Me-ness! I lived from my big emotions and my big Love.
but the world doesn’t always accept us as we are. I was shown that this world didn’t have a lot of room for my flavour of big love. Like many, I was shown that I was too much, too sensitive, too loving, too mushy, too emotional, too ‘out there’, too positive, too emotional.
at the age of 6, almost overnight, I went from being so connected..talking to nature daily and having regular kundalini experiences as I fell asleep-experiencing my connectedness and my wholeness-to being rigid and controlling, having ocd and anxiety, and so terrified that I shoved my big love deep down inside. I made myself into a nice, easy going person...manageable for the outside world. Acting this way, I was accepted and felt like I belonged..and I stopped feeling,
as a a Gemini, I was able to intellectualize my feelings and no longer feel them inside my body or heart. Feeling was something I thought I knew and understood, but kept myself very separate from.
i learned through my life how to be a part of a big family who looked after and cared about each other, but I forgot how to deeply love...and how to feel feelings within my body and my heart.
for so long, love for me was covered up by worry and control. And can we truly love another when we are drowning in the need to control them? Can we ever truly love ourselves if all we know is how to control?
my answer is no we can’t.
it was in November 2009, the day that I met my scorpio husband, when I started to get really curious about this love thing and that maybe I didn’t have it quite dialed. I watched him and his ability to openly love me and my family. At first I felt uncomfortable with his flowing words and actions of love. He poured it all over my family and I in a grounded, open-hearted way that made me shrink at first. I found it hard to hold his love...it felt like it wanted to seep out of the holes that I had Allowed to develop in my Being...
and then, on my 41st birthday, a big, black mare sashayed into my life and I knew from the intense, booming energy I felt in my heart, that she was going to teach me everything about how to love and how to be loved...
and the most ironic thing about it was that for the first two and a half years we were together, I did even think she liked me.
love meant different things to each of us. To me, love was tangible...it brought with it all the human expectations (and some pretty codependent actions) with it. I wanted her to show me her love through actions and I wanted her to be physically close. I wanted her to miss me when I wasn’t with her and I wanted her to follow me around when I was, for more than just food. I basically wanted her to need me like I needed her....so to me it became obvious that love had become about needing, not loving.
and so for those years when I was feeling frustration and unworthiness and lack and all the things that go along with needing somebody to love you who you feel maybe doesn’t...She was loving me deeply, unconditionally, fiercely even.. and I wasn’t letting any of it in.
instead, I was so busy feeling and noticing all the negatives in our relationship, that I ‘thought’ were true’, that I didn’t notice the one and only truth...she loves me, her way.
there is so much more to this love story....but for now I ask you...
where in your life are you so busy looking at the negative ‘truths’ that you block all the good stuff coming to you? How are you blocking the intense love that is being poured (and I mean poured!) on you daily by your Soul and Nature while you focus on how unloved you feel?
what do the animals know about this? They know how to receive! They know how to love and to let themselves be loved! They allow wellbeing into their lives and abundance and health and love...and if they don’t and are sick or sad, usually looking into their interactions with humans in the past or present gives us some clues about these blocks.
Every illness or problem or issue is a lack of letting love flow, a block in the ability to receive...
I am sending you huge love....please let it in! 😘❤️❤️
beautiful photo by Denisa Kraus❤️